Monday, April 18, 2011

Learning to Breathe

It's been 2 very long hard weeks now since I lost Stacy. I still cry myself to sleep every night, telling myself that tomorrow is a new day and will hopefully be better. I wake up each morning and cry a little more at the realization that he's not here. Instead of getting easier, the days seem to be getting longer and harder.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm doing ok. How am I supposed to answer that honestly? I always respond with the usual, "I'm doing alright." What else am I supposed to say? Should I tell them the truth and create an awkward moment by responding with, "No, I'm not doing ok. But, thanks for asking,"? Instead, I put a smile on my face and tell the expected lie, "I'm ok."

The truth is: I open my eyes, I see Stacy. I close my eyes, I see Stacy. I sleep, I dream of Stacy. I open my ears, I hear Stacy. I listen to my heart, I feel Stacy. Being able to still feel so connected to Stacy is a blessing. On the other hand, it all hurts too; because it is a reminder that he is no longer here. I miss him like crazy. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss him aggravating the crap out of me. I miss the stories he told. I miss the laughs we shared. I even miss the tears we cried together. I miss the all night conversations we had. I miss EVERYTHING about him.

I miss the pillow fight we had in Tunica the weekend before. We beat the crap out of each other and laughed until we hurt because of it. The Tuesday before all of this happened, I was very upset about a personal problem. I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night and went over to Stacy's. I didn't have to say a word. He already knew. He just put his arm around me and said, "Come on, you need to get some sleep." He comforted me and made me feel better in a way that only Stacy could do. I slept like a baby and got the rest I desperately needed. I was worried that I would over sleep and be late getting the girls to school. Stacy said, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." So, he stayed awake all night to let me sleep and make sure I woke up in time to get the girls to school. Every time I went somewhere, even from his house to mine, he always called to make sure I made it home ok. Now, I pull in my driveway, I pick up my phone, and still expect him to call and say, "Did you get home ok? Do you need anything?" It didn't matter how far or near I traveled, he always called to make sure I was ok. I still wake up every night at 2 am expecting him to call. He called every night to say good night. Then, would laugh before he got off the phone and say, "Well....good morning. I'll talk to you in a little while." I could write a novel, telling stories about Stacy. We shared so many laughs and good times. I feel so blessed because I have memories to last a life time with him. Not even death can take those memories from me.

How am I really doing? Well, to tell you the truth, I feel like an empty shell just going through the motions. It's hard. It sucks. But, I keep on going, because I know that's what Stacy would want me to do. I try to stay as busy as possible, because it's during the quite times when I miss him the most. I write a letter to him every night before I go to bed. I'm scared. I feel lost and alone. I spend my days trying to learn how to just breathe. I go from crying and sad, to mad at the world, to feeling hopeless.

I know God tests our faith. I have always held on strong to my faith and passed every test. In times of trials and troubles, I always drew closer to God. My fear is that this is the one test that I can't pass. I feel angry because He took Stacy. Everyone says that's a normal part of grieving. But, it scares me. I'm fighting hard to hold on to that faith. I remind myself daily that by holding on to Jesus, I'll be able to be with Stacy again someday. I think I have played the song "Homesick" by MercyMe a thousand times. I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this somehow.

My reason for posting this isn't to gain sympathy or anything like that. I want this post to remind everyone how important it is not to take life for granted. Tell those that you love just how much you love them and what they mean to you. Treasure every moment you have with them. Don't spend it arguing and fighting. If you need to apologize or make amends with someone, do it now. None of us are promised tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this moment right now. Tomorrow may never come. Stacy and I had many tomorrow's planned. Those tomorrow's no longer exist. Spend each day living as though it was your last and let nothing go unsaid. You never know when you will spend your days like me and learning to just breathe!

To all of my family and friends, both old and new... Please know that I love you each and every one! To anyone that I've ever wronged in any way, I am truly sorry. Hurting you was never my intention. I beg of your forgiveness.