Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Just A Dream...

Growing up, I was like all the other girls and dreamt of meeting my Prince Charming and living happily ever after. I'm no longer that little girl. Today, I'm 41 years old. I grew up. But, my dream failed to grow with me. It remains the same. I still dream of Prince Charming. I can feel his breath. I can hear his whispers. I have his love. I know his touch. Yet, I cannot see his face. 

I still dream of having someone hold my hand as we walk and dance in the rain. Someone who kisses me like its their last. Someone who holds me too tight because they are afraid to let me go. Someone who listens to my every word as if it were my last. Someone that wipes away my every tear and laughs at every stupid joke I tell. Someone that will walk with me, kiss me, hold me and spend hours talking to me. 

My dream is fast becoming my nightmare. In my quest to find Mr. Right, I have been stepped on, walked on, put down, shamed, lied to, cheated on and used. I have even walked through the darkness in the valley of the shadow of death. I have my faced my fears. I have loved. I have lived. And, I have lost. Through it all, I never surrendered. 

I no longer believe in fairy tales or happily ever after. My forever died on April 05, 2011 at 7:48 pm. My heart was buried along with my happily ever after. It's taken me a long time to realize that Stacy kept his promise when he promised that he would love me and that we would be together forever. I realize now that he kept his promise. Only his forever ended before mine, leaving me here behind, alone and scared... 

Two and a half years later, I'm still insecure and scared. I'm scared of loving like that again and even more afraid of being hurt like that again. I've been fortunate to have had that love twice in my life. One ended in divorce after 15 good years of marriage. The other ended in death. To love that strong and deep  and have it returned was great. But, the hurt that followed was to much to bare. Although I am afraid to know and have that kind of love again, I'm glad I didn't miss the dance. I have no regrets. It's left me scared and insecure. Still, they remain very important verses in my life song...

Now, I'm ready for that next verse to be written. I want to dance in the rain again. I want to feel love again. I want to be held and kissed as you whisper sweet nothing's in my ear. I want to be your everything. I want butterflies in my stomach. I want to feel breathless. I need you to feel the same. I need you to understand when I tell you that I can't promise you tomorrow; yet trust me when I promise to love you past tomorrow. When I tell you that all I have to give is my last breath, accept it and cherish it because that's all I have; with that, I will have given you everything. I need my Prince Charming to hold me tight through the night because he knows that tomorrow may never come. 

Does a love like that still exist? Am I a hopeless romantic? Is my Prince Charming out there waiting? Or is it just a dream...