Well here goes..... Hopefully, I won't back out of posting this. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone!
You changed my plans and shifted the sands of my life again just as I was beginning to like what I saw. I don't understand your reasons. Even if you showed them to me, the hurt would be the same because I'm still here and Stacy is not. You showed me how everything could change in the blink of an eye when you took him home. I screamed until my voice was gone. Through tears, I watched as everything came tumbling down. I've asked you why countless times. Again, I don't understand it nor am I going to pretend to understand your reasons. Even if I knew your reasons, the pain would be the same. I feel like I'm quickly fading; here today and gone tomorrow.
This storm has forever changed who I am in you. I'm broken. I'm overwhelmed and holding the pieces of my heart. All I feel is the pain and loss. Everything feels so far away. I'm left alone and trying to find my way; trying to find a faith that's gone. I am lost again. I'm broken and helpless and that's where I'll start again.
I know you feel my hurt and pain. I know you still hear me when I call your name. I know underneath all this pain and suffering that I am resting safely in the palms of your hands. I don't know where you're taking me. I'm trying to hold on tight to you and my faith; trying to just follow you, because it's out of my hands and out of my control. I'm learning to let go and let YOU lead me through this. There's too many things I don't understand. Therefore, I'm giving into your will. Please show me where to go and help me follow your lead. I am yours regardless of the clouds that loom above because you are so much greater than the pain. I know that you have gathered me in the arms of your grace. I'm learning again that I am not alone.
I know I have let you down time after time. Yet, you never gave up on me. Who am I to give up on you now? You didn't give up on me when I was at my worst. You kept your faith in me. And, now, I'll keep my faith in you. You offered up your last breath to bring me closer to you. Forever, my life is yours. I'm beginning to feel your presence here with me again. I surrender to your love and grace. You are everything I need. It's in your loving arms that I find comfort and healing.
Lord, my greatest regret is that it took losing Stacy to bring me running humbly back to the foot of your cross and down on my knees; broken. Now, here I am. You brought me here for a reason. Reveal your reasons to me. And, give me the strength to make it through somehow. Re-light that fire in my soul and make me whole again.
You promised us that there would be beauty in the fall. I have faith that out of these ashes, beauty will rise, because in brokenness comes beauty.
It's very hard for me to turn this page of my life. The chapter with Stacy has came to an abrupt end. I know that my next chapter with Stacy will be written in Heaven and will know no end....only life eternal. That will be when my sun shines through the rain.
Lord, I ask that you please keep me on my knees. I ask that you turn this pain and sorrow into my greatest testimony. Help me to use it to glorify you. I was born with the black stain of sin. I have been washed in the red blood of Christ. And, I'll die as pure and white as the winter snow. I pray that everyone comes to you, on bended knees, like a child, seeking your forgiveness, your grace, your mercy, your love and your gift of salvation. I pray they do so before finding them self on their knees in pain and sorrow like me. I have faith that you will heal these wounds and use them to glorify you.
**UPDATE...I wrote this letter about a month after Stacy died. I didn't have the courage or the strength to post it at that time. During this time, God has revealed a few of his reasons to me. First, my daughter, Morgan, accepted Christ as her Savior. I am so happy that she made that decision. She will be baptized in a few weeks. I know Stacy will watch with pride from Heaven and rejoice in her baptism with me. Second, a very close and dear friend of mine, whom has been my closest friend for over 25 years has made the decision to turn his life around and get off the drugs. I watch him daily struggle with his recovery. He is determined to do it and is successfully doing so. I feel blessed that God is allowing me to witness such great life transformations in 2 of the people that I love most in this world. I am so proud of them and love them both dearly. I cry tears of joy for them; and, tears of sadness because Stacy isn't here to see it as well. It was his life and his death that brought on these life decisions. To Stacy: You are still the first person I think of when I wake up each morning and the last one I think of before going to bed each night. I still miss you as much today as I did the day you went home to Heaven. The pain is the same and will never go away. Nothing in my life will ever be the same without you. But, I'm learning to "Never Surrender". I miss you and I love you!!