My Letter to God

Well here goes..... Hopefully, I won't back out of posting this. I am wayyyy out of my comfort zone!

Dear God,

You changed my plans and shifted the sands of my life again just as I was beginning to like what I saw. I don't understand your reasons. Even if you showed them to me, the hurt would be the same because I'm still here and Stacy is not. You showed me how everything could change in the blink of an eye when you took him home. I screamed until my voice was gone. Through tears, I watched as everything came tumbling down. I've asked you why countless times. Again, I don't understand it nor am I going to pretend to understand your reasons. Even if I knew your reasons, the pain would be the same. I feel like I'm quickly fading; here today and gone tomorrow.

This storm has forever changed who I am in you. I'm broken. I'm overwhelmed and holding the pieces of my heart. All I feel is the pain and loss. Everything feels so far away. I'm left alone and trying to find my way; trying to find a faith that's gone. I am lost again. I'm broken and helpless and that's where I'll start again.

I know you feel my hurt and pain. I know you still hear me when I call your name. I know underneath all this pain and suffering that I am resting safely in the palms of your hands. I don't know where you're taking me. I'm trying to hold on tight to you and my faith; trying to just follow you, because it's out of my hands and out of my control. I'm learning to let go and let YOU lead me through this. There's too many things I don't understand. Therefore, I'm giving into your will. Please show me where to go and help me follow your lead. I am yours regardless of the clouds that loom above because you are so much greater than the pain. I know that you have gathered me in the arms of your grace. I'm learning again that I am not alone.

I know I have let you down time after time. Yet, you never gave up on me. Who am I to give up on you now? You didn't give up on me when I was at my worst. You kept your faith in me. And, now, I'll keep my faith in you. You offered up your last breath to bring me closer to you. Forever, my life is yours. I'm beginning to feel your presence here with me again. I surrender to your love and grace. You are everything I need. It's in your loving arms that I find comfort and healing.

Lord, my greatest regret is that it took losing Stacy to bring me running humbly back to the foot of your cross and down on my knees; broken. Now, here I am. You brought me here for a reason. Reveal your reasons to me. And, give me the strength to make it through somehow. Re-light that fire in my soul and make me whole again.

You promised us that there would be beauty in the fall. I have faith that out of these ashes, beauty will rise, because in brokenness comes beauty.

It's very hard for me to turn this page of my life. The chapter with Stacy has came to an abrupt end. I know that my next chapter with Stacy will be written in Heaven and will know no end....only life eternal. That will be when my sun shines through the rain.

Lord, I ask that you please keep me on my knees. I ask that you turn this pain and sorrow into my greatest testimony. Help me to use it to glorify you. I was born with the black stain of sin. I have been washed in the red blood of Christ. And, I'll die as pure and white as the winter snow. I pray that everyone comes to you, on bended knees, like a child, seeking your forgiveness, your grace, your mercy, your love and your gift of salvation. I pray they do so before finding them self on their knees in pain and sorrow like me. I have faith that you will heal these wounds and use them to glorify you.

AMEN

**UPDATE...I wrote this letter about a month after Stacy died. I didn't have the courage or the strength to post it at that time. During this time, God has revealed a few of his reasons to me. First, my daughter, Morgan, accepted Christ as her Savior. I am so happy that she made that decision. She will be baptized in a few weeks. I know Stacy will watch with pride from Heaven and rejoice in her baptism with me. Second, a very close and dear friend of mine, whom has been my closest friend for over 25 years has made the decision to turn his life around and get off the drugs. I watch him daily struggle with his recovery. He is determined to do it and is successfully doing so. I feel blessed that God is allowing me to witness such great life transformations in 2 of the people that I love most in this world. I am so proud of them and love them both dearly. I cry tears of joy for them; and, tears of sadness because Stacy isn't here to see it as well. It was his life and his death that brought on these life decisions. To Stacy: You are still the first person I think of when I wake up each morning and the last one I think of before going to bed each night. I still miss you as much today as I did the day you went home to Heaven. The pain is the same and will never go away. Nothing in my life will ever be the same without you. But, I'm learning to "Never Surrender". I miss you and I love you!!

Learning to Breathe

It's been 2 very long hard weeks now since I lost Stacy. I still cry myself to sleep every night, telling myself that tomorrow is a new day and will hopefully be better. I wake up each morning and cry a little more at the realization that he's not here. Instead of getting easier, the days seem to be getting longer and harder.

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm doing ok. How am I supposed to answer that honestly? I always respond with the usual, "I'm doing alright." What else am I supposed to say? Should I tell them the truth and create an awkward moment by responding with, "No, I'm not doing ok. But, thanks for asking,"? Instead, I put a smile on my face and tell the expected lie, "I'm ok."

The truth is: I open my eyes, I see Stacy. I close my eyes, I see Stacy. I sleep, I dream of Stacy. I open my ears, I hear Stacy. I listen to my heart, I feel Stacy. Being able to still feel so connected to Stacy is a blessing. On the other hand, it all hurts too; because it is a reminder that he is no longer here. I miss him like crazy. I miss his laugh. I miss his smile. I miss him aggravating the crap out of me. I miss the stories he told. I miss the laughs we shared. I even miss the tears we cried together. I miss the all night conversations we had. I miss EVERYTHING about him.

I miss the pillow fight we had in Tunica the weekend before. We beat the crap out of each other and laughed until we hurt because of it. The Tuesday before all of this happened, I was very upset about a personal problem. I snuck out of my house in the middle of the night and went over to Stacy's. I didn't have to say a word. He already knew. He just put his arm around me and said, "Come on, you need to get some sleep." He comforted me and made me feel better in a way that only Stacy could do. I slept like a baby and got the rest I desperately needed. I was worried that I would over sleep and be late getting the girls to school. Stacy said, "Don't worry about it. I'll take care of it." So, he stayed awake all night to let me sleep and make sure I woke up in time to get the girls to school. Every time I went somewhere, even from his house to mine, he always called to make sure I made it home ok. Now, I pull in my driveway, I pick up my phone, and still expect him to call and say, "Did you get home ok? Do you need anything?" It didn't matter how far or near I traveled, he always called to make sure I was ok. I still wake up every night at 2 am expecting him to call. He called every night to say good night. Then, would laugh before he got off the phone and say, "Well....good morning. I'll talk to you in a little while." I could write a novel, telling stories about Stacy. We shared so many laughs and good times. I feel so blessed because I have memories to last a life time with him. Not even death can take those memories from me.

How am I really doing? Well, to tell you the truth, I feel like an empty shell just going through the motions. It's hard. It sucks. But, I keep on going, because I know that's what Stacy would want me to do. I try to stay as busy as possible, because it's during the quite times when I miss him the most. I write a letter to him every night before I go to bed. I'm scared. I feel lost and alone. I spend my days trying to learn how to just breathe. I go from crying and sad, to mad at the world, to feeling hopeless.

I know God tests our faith. I have always held on strong to my faith and passed every test. In times of trials and troubles, I always drew closer to God. My fear is that this is the one test that I can't pass. I feel angry because He took Stacy. Everyone says that's a normal part of grieving. But, it scares me. I'm fighting hard to hold on to that faith. I remind myself daily that by holding on to Jesus, I'll be able to be with Stacy again someday. I think I have played the song "Homesick" by MercyMe a thousand times. I pray for God to give me the strength to get through this somehow.

My reason for posting this isn't to gain sympathy or anything like that. I want this post to remind everyone how important it is not to take life for granted. Tell those that you love just how much you love them and what they mean to you. Treasure every moment you have with them. Don't spend it arguing and fighting. If you need to apologize or make amends with someone, do it now. None of us are promised tomorrow. We are only guaranteed this moment right now. Tomorrow may never come. Stacy and I had many tomorrow's planned. Those tomorrow's no longer exist. Spend each day living as though it was your last and let nothing go unsaid. You never know when you will spend your days like me and learning to just breathe!

To all of my family and friends, both old and new... Please know that I love you each and every one! To anyone that I've ever wronged in any way, I am truly sorry. Hurting you was never my intention. I beg of your forgiveness.