It is through many tears, and great sadness that I write this blog.
When I was 6 years old, my mother remarried. I didn't know at that time the impact that would have on my life. Those "I Do's" would forever change my life. She didn't just marry anybody. She married a man that I would come to know as one of the greatest men I ever knew. Roy, a marine, was always larger than life and indestructable in my eyes. He could do no wrong. His patience, his love, and his guidance are the reasons I am who I am today. Without him, I wouldn't be me. He took my sister and I in and loved us as his own. They later divorced when I was 19. But, for Julie and I, we were still his babies and would always continue to be so. For 32 years, we have been the light of his life. And, now I will have to say goodbye to one of the greatest men I ever knew in the next few days. How do you say goodbye to someone who meant so much to you? How do you say goodbye to the man that would sit and rub my head for hours when I didn't feel well? How do you say goodbye to the man who taught me to ride a bike, who drove me to school every morning, who cheered me on from every ball game, who picked me up when I fell? How do you say goodbye to the man who held me while I cried, who tickled me until I couldn't breathe, who laughed at every corny joke I ever made? How do you say goodbye to the man that told me that boys weren't good enough for me? He even told a few of them that, including Jason. lol. How do you say goodbye to the man who taught me the values and morals that I hold so close to me today? How do you say goodbye to the one person who I always knew was there for me? How do you say goodbye to my inspiration? Some of the greatest years of my life and some of my fondest memories were spent with this man as his daughter. How do I let go of that?
For 32 years, he has held me, loved me and comforted me when I was sad and in pain. Unfortunately, this is a pain that he can't protect me from. I've never felt so alone as I do right now. I'll go visit him in the morning. I know before I go, that this will most likely be the last time I see him alive. How will I say goodbye??? What I'd give to hear his voice one last time; even if it was to ground me for breaking curfew AGAIN!
I thank God everyday for blessing me with two great Father's. I couldn't have asked for more. In a few days, I will lose one of them. How will I say goodbye? Losing a parent has got to be the hardest thing to ever lose. They aren't supposed to ever leave us. They are supposed to live forever. How do you say goodbye???
Roy,
When I think of you, the song, 'Because You Loved Me,' by, Celine Dion comes to mind. You truly did give me wings that made me fly. In a few days, you will be the wind that carries those wings. You will become my angel, patiently loving me and guiding me from Heaven. I am so blessed for each and every day I got to spend with you. You did make my world a better place. I know that someday I will see you again. It is through the strength and courage that you have given me through the years that I will go on. Your voice will always speak loudest to me. I really am everything I am Because YOU Loved Me!!!
I LOVE YOU DAD!!!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saying Nothing At All.....
"Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers. Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs, that just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care. Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." Lyrics taken from the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the unanswered prayers I have prayed. Sometimes, I hear God the loudest when He doesn't answer. Much like my own children, I have learned through the years that if I want the girls to really hear me, all I have to do is to say nothing at all. Alison Kraus sang it best when she sang 'When You Say Nothing At All.' The first verse of that song says it all. "It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word you can light up the dark. Try as I may I could never explain, what I hear when you don't say a thing." That is especially true with me. Most often, I hear more of what you're saying when you say nothing at all. It's amazing what you can hear with unspoken words. When God goes silent and speaks to me through unanswered prayers, that typically brings about a revelation of things; forcing me to see things more clearly. Most of the time, I can better see what His plans are for my life. I can see what direction relationships in my life need to take, which ones I need to build or work on, and which ones I need to let go of. I may not always like what I see or hear. But, I know in my heart it is always what is best.
Today, I am thankful for unanswered prayers. I am thankful for the revelations they bring. I am thankful for God blessing me with the ability to hear not only words with my ears, but also the ability to hear the unspoken words with my heart. I am thankful that God blessed me with a love of writing, through which I find much solitude. I am thankful that God has granted me the strength to publish this post, exposing some raw emotions and thoughts within me. I am thankful for my many friends and family, who have cared enough to ask "what's wrong," and listened when I told them. I am thankful for those same family and friends that listened with their hearts when I said nothing at all.
This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for the unanswered prayers I have prayed. Sometimes, I hear God the loudest when He doesn't answer. Much like my own children, I have learned through the years that if I want the girls to really hear me, all I have to do is to say nothing at all. Alison Kraus sang it best when she sang 'When You Say Nothing At All.' The first verse of that song says it all. "It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart. Without saying a word you can light up the dark. Try as I may I could never explain, what I hear when you don't say a thing." That is especially true with me. Most often, I hear more of what you're saying when you say nothing at all. It's amazing what you can hear with unspoken words. When God goes silent and speaks to me through unanswered prayers, that typically brings about a revelation of things; forcing me to see things more clearly. Most of the time, I can better see what His plans are for my life. I can see what direction relationships in my life need to take, which ones I need to build or work on, and which ones I need to let go of. I may not always like what I see or hear. But, I know in my heart it is always what is best.
Today, I am thankful for unanswered prayers. I am thankful for the revelations they bring. I am thankful for God blessing me with the ability to hear not only words with my ears, but also the ability to hear the unspoken words with my heart. I am thankful that God blessed me with a love of writing, through which I find much solitude. I am thankful that God has granted me the strength to publish this post, exposing some raw emotions and thoughts within me. I am thankful for my many friends and family, who have cared enough to ask "what's wrong," and listened when I told them. I am thankful for those same family and friends that listened with their hearts when I said nothing at all.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
A Few Things I'm Thankful For..................
"Bring me joy, bring me peace. Bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings You glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain. But, if that's what it takes to praise you Jesus, bring the rain…." Lyrics taken from Bring The Rain, by: Mercy Me
What does that quote have to do with Thanksgiving? For most, it probably doesn't; for me it has a lot to do with the things I am thankful for this year. Read on to find out why this chorus means so much to me. WARNING!!! This is going to be a long blog. I have a lot to be thankful for. And, you know me, I can be as long winded as a Baptist Preacher on Sunday Mornings at times.
What am I thankful for this year? I'm thankful for the rain that came my way in 2008. Sometimes, we need to walk through a storm to reach happier times. 2008 was my year of storms. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. My stress level was at an all time high. Then, I was admitted to the hospital for a couple of days over problems I was having with my heart. My cardiologist lectured me about the amount of stress in my life. There's nothing that can bring you to your knees quicker than lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to heart monitors, and worrying about your kids being ok. I wasn't thinking about being thankful for that moment at the time. That was almost a year ago. Today, I'm very thankful for that thunderstorm coming into my life. That thunderstorm put the "I back in my LIFE." Through this, I learned to give up some of the control and stress that had me burdened. I came undone. Lol After that happened, I began keeping a prayer and gratitude journal. I promised myself that I would force myself to go beyond the surface level gratitude's, and learn to appreciate the small, and often unseen, things in my life. Now, I wake up each morning with a thankful spirit; thankful for breathing the air; thankful for the opportunity to walk through another day of this life that God has blessed me with. I go to bed each night thankful for a new day and all the joys and blessings it may hold. This was one of many times in my life that I have called on God to answer a prayer. I'm very thankful that He always does.
I'm thankful for my husband, Jason, without whom this journey wouldn't have been made possible. I am thankful for the sacrifices he has made, his devotion and support, and his willingness to take over things to relieve the stress on me. For that, I will be forever grateful.
I'm thankful for Abbey. Her heart, her caring and loving spirit, and her courage never ceases to amaze me. She is my inspiration. I can only aspire to be as faithful to Christ as she is. I can only hope to find the love for others that she has. I can only wish to own an ounce of the courage she has. I'm thankful for the decision she made to give her life to Christ. I'm thankful that I could play a part in that. I'm thankful that God allowed me to be her mother and trusted me to raise her in His glory. Abbey inspires me to be a better me. I look at her and see in her the person I would like to be. I'm thankful for the young lady that she has become.
I'm thankful for Morgan. I'm thankful that she pushes me outside of that proverbial box at times and forces me to live life to the fullest. She experiences such an overwhelming joy just to live life in the moment. I'm thankful that she has/is taught/teaching me to do the same. I'm thankful for her laughter. It's contagious. I can only hope to live a life filled with that kind of raw, carefree, joy. I'm thankful that she is nearing making the decision to give her life to Christ . I'm thankful, that I'm getting to be a part of that and experience it with her. I'm thankful that God has trusted me to be her mother as well. I'm thankful for the closeness that I have rediscovered with her while homeschooling her. I'm thankful for her innocence. She, too, is an inspiration to me. I'm thankful for the sweet, innocent, fun loving, child she is. I can't wait to see what else God has planned in both of their lives.
I'm thankful for my family. Your consistent love and support encourages me and lifts me up. I'm thankful to each of you for the unconditional love you all have given me through the years. I'm thankful that you all believed in me, even when I didn't. I couldn't ask for a better family than you all. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my friends, both old and new. Each of you has brought so much into my life. You've laughed with me; you've cried with me; you've stood by me. Words cannot explain how truly thankful I am to have you in my life. Your love and your friendship mean a great deal to me. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my church family at Providence. I'm thankful to have Chad as a pastor that teaches me, encourages me and leads me. I'm thankful for the spiritual influence our church family has in our lives. I'm thankful that God led us to where we need to be.
I'm thankful for each and every day of 2009. Each day has brought so many blessings into my life; especially the last 8 months. Old friends that I had lost contact with, have been made new again. New friends have entered my life and brought so much joy and happiness into it. I have developed deep life long relationships with these new friendships. I look forward to seeing and experiencing each new phase and direction it takes. I'm thankful that my relationships with ALL of my family and friends have deepened this year. I'm very thankful to God for blessing me abundantly with so many wonderful people in my life. I treasure each and every one of you.
I'm thankful for 2010 and the blessings it will bring. It's already revealing some of the things to come. I can't wait!
I'm thankful for God. I'm thankful for my salvation. I'm thankful for every breath He has given me. I'm thankful for all of the blessings that He has so richly bestowed upon me. I'm thankful that whenever I call His name, He is there. I'm thankful for all the answered prayers. I'm thankful that He has kept me close in His loving arms. I'm thankful that my life is in His hands. I'm thankful for the rain He has brought at times, and for holding my hand and leading me through the storms. I'm thankful for the comfort, peace, joy, love and forgiveness that He gives to me freely. I will forever live in Him.
In conclusion, I will live each day with Thanksgiving in my heart. I will have a thankful spirit. I will continue to be thankful for everything in my life. These were only a few of the things that I am thankful for. I'll never have enough time to list them all. Everyday is Thanksgiving for me. I may not eat turkey and dressing with all of the helpings daily (probably a good thing); but, I will continue to always be forever thankful.
**I failed to add that I am very thankful for my health and my great team of doctors. My heart is doing much better since then. My cardiologist threatened to fire me as a patient if I continue to do so well. And…. I'll be very thankful when he does. Lol.
What does that quote have to do with Thanksgiving? For most, it probably doesn't; for me it has a lot to do with the things I am thankful for this year. Read on to find out why this chorus means so much to me. WARNING!!! This is going to be a long blog. I have a lot to be thankful for. And, you know me, I can be as long winded as a Baptist Preacher on Sunday Mornings at times.
What am I thankful for this year? I'm thankful for the rain that came my way in 2008. Sometimes, we need to walk through a storm to reach happier times. 2008 was my year of storms. It seemed like everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. My stress level was at an all time high. Then, I was admitted to the hospital for a couple of days over problems I was having with my heart. My cardiologist lectured me about the amount of stress in my life. There's nothing that can bring you to your knees quicker than lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to heart monitors, and worrying about your kids being ok. I wasn't thinking about being thankful for that moment at the time. That was almost a year ago. Today, I'm very thankful for that thunderstorm coming into my life. That thunderstorm put the "I back in my LIFE." Through this, I learned to give up some of the control and stress that had me burdened. I came undone. Lol After that happened, I began keeping a prayer and gratitude journal. I promised myself that I would force myself to go beyond the surface level gratitude's, and learn to appreciate the small, and often unseen, things in my life. Now, I wake up each morning with a thankful spirit; thankful for breathing the air; thankful for the opportunity to walk through another day of this life that God has blessed me with. I go to bed each night thankful for a new day and all the joys and blessings it may hold. This was one of many times in my life that I have called on God to answer a prayer. I'm very thankful that He always does.
I'm thankful for my husband, Jason, without whom this journey wouldn't have been made possible. I am thankful for the sacrifices he has made, his devotion and support, and his willingness to take over things to relieve the stress on me. For that, I will be forever grateful.
I'm thankful for Abbey. Her heart, her caring and loving spirit, and her courage never ceases to amaze me. She is my inspiration. I can only aspire to be as faithful to Christ as she is. I can only hope to find the love for others that she has. I can only wish to own an ounce of the courage she has. I'm thankful for the decision she made to give her life to Christ. I'm thankful that I could play a part in that. I'm thankful that God allowed me to be her mother and trusted me to raise her in His glory. Abbey inspires me to be a better me. I look at her and see in her the person I would like to be. I'm thankful for the young lady that she has become.
I'm thankful for Morgan. I'm thankful that she pushes me outside of that proverbial box at times and forces me to live life to the fullest. She experiences such an overwhelming joy just to live life in the moment. I'm thankful that she has/is taught/teaching me to do the same. I'm thankful for her laughter. It's contagious. I can only hope to live a life filled with that kind of raw, carefree, joy. I'm thankful that she is nearing making the decision to give her life to Christ . I'm thankful, that I'm getting to be a part of that and experience it with her. I'm thankful that God has trusted me to be her mother as well. I'm thankful for the closeness that I have rediscovered with her while homeschooling her. I'm thankful for her innocence. She, too, is an inspiration to me. I'm thankful for the sweet, innocent, fun loving, child she is. I can't wait to see what else God has planned in both of their lives.
I'm thankful for my family. Your consistent love and support encourages me and lifts me up. I'm thankful to each of you for the unconditional love you all have given me through the years. I'm thankful that you all believed in me, even when I didn't. I couldn't ask for a better family than you all. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my friends, both old and new. Each of you has brought so much into my life. You've laughed with me; you've cried with me; you've stood by me. Words cannot explain how truly thankful I am to have you in my life. Your love and your friendship mean a great deal to me. Thank you.
I'm thankful for my church family at Providence. I'm thankful to have Chad as a pastor that teaches me, encourages me and leads me. I'm thankful for the spiritual influence our church family has in our lives. I'm thankful that God led us to where we need to be.
I'm thankful for each and every day of 2009. Each day has brought so many blessings into my life; especially the last 8 months. Old friends that I had lost contact with, have been made new again. New friends have entered my life and brought so much joy and happiness into it. I have developed deep life long relationships with these new friendships. I look forward to seeing and experiencing each new phase and direction it takes. I'm thankful that my relationships with ALL of my family and friends have deepened this year. I'm very thankful to God for blessing me abundantly with so many wonderful people in my life. I treasure each and every one of you.
I'm thankful for 2010 and the blessings it will bring. It's already revealing some of the things to come. I can't wait!
I'm thankful for God. I'm thankful for my salvation. I'm thankful for every breath He has given me. I'm thankful for all of the blessings that He has so richly bestowed upon me. I'm thankful that whenever I call His name, He is there. I'm thankful for all the answered prayers. I'm thankful that He has kept me close in His loving arms. I'm thankful that my life is in His hands. I'm thankful for the rain He has brought at times, and for holding my hand and leading me through the storms. I'm thankful for the comfort, peace, joy, love and forgiveness that He gives to me freely. I will forever live in Him.
In conclusion, I will live each day with Thanksgiving in my heart. I will have a thankful spirit. I will continue to be thankful for everything in my life. These were only a few of the things that I am thankful for. I'll never have enough time to list them all. Everyday is Thanksgiving for me. I may not eat turkey and dressing with all of the helpings daily (probably a good thing); but, I will continue to always be forever thankful.
**I failed to add that I am very thankful for my health and my great team of doctors. My heart is doing much better since then. My cardiologist threatened to fire me as a patient if I continue to do so well. And…. I'll be very thankful when he does. Lol.
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