Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I Will Survive...

Do you ever feel like a fish out of water? Like life just won't let you breathe? Like something is suffocating you? Lately, that's how I feel. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel depressed and on edge. I have too much on my plate right now. My plate seriously needs to go on a diet.

My life has turned into an emotional roller coaster. I have moved back home. I am loving that. I am very happy with the move I have made. Being close to my mother, my step father, my sister and my nieces has brought so much happiness and comfort back into my life. The girls are adjusting well to their new home and their new schools. I have reconnected with some very old and dear friends. All of which, I love. I can see clearly why God led me back home. He new that I was going to need to be surrounded by these people very soon. Only, I didn't know that at the time. I do now.

In the last 2 weeks, life as I have known it for the past 16 years was turned upside down. A very tough and difficult decision had to be made. This decision was the right one to make. The end result will definitely prove to be better for myself and my family. It has been a big relief to have finally made the right decision regarding this matter. However, the process or the steps to reach the desired end result are pure hell. I sat down and told my girls something that I never thought I would ever have to tell them. I watched as tears flowed from Abbey's eyes. And, I watched Morgan cover it all up with a joke. Why did this hand have to be dealt to them? Why couldn't I protect them from this? Why did it have to be dealt to me? Why does life deal us such large and hurtful setbacks?

I have become severely depressed because of this. I am on edge and my nerves are gone. Those closest to me are feeling the affects of this. Last night, I got mad at my best friend for the stupidest of reasons. I have cried to the point that my well of tears has run dry. Then, just when I think I can't shed anymore, another one falls. I am trying my best to be strong for my children and my family. I am trying not to let too many people see this raw, emotional, and very vulnerable side of me. My protective walls that were once in place, have crumbled.

Many of you keep asking, "What is wrong?" or "What is going on?" While I greatly appreciate your care and concern, please don't ask me those things. I cannot tell you what is going on in my life right now. It is a very personal and private matter. So, please don't ask. I most likely won't tell you. The answers that you will receive will be "Nothing," or, "I am fine." There are a very few people that I have trusted enough and are close enough to me that know what the situation is. There are a few of you that I will be contacting and telling you what is going on. But, let me come to you with it when I am ready. Please don't ask me if there is anything you can do for me. Instead, pray for me. When you see me, hug me. These actions will let me know those things without you having to say a word. And, it's those actions that I am needing most. Don't be surprised if I start crying on you when I do come to you. What I need most is your support while getting through this.

I know, like everything in life, that this time too shall pass. I know that I will one day look back on this time as growing pains that I had to go through to reach a better point in my life. However, it's going to take time. I'll take each day as it comes. I'll walk each step while holding on tight to the support system that I have built around me. I'll pray. And, I will survive because I AM a survivor. I'm not a victim. Nor will I ever be a victim of life's circumstances. We make our own choices and choose our own paths in life. It's called freewill. Therefore, I am not a victim of the circumstances. Instead, I WILL be a survivor from them. I led myself to these waters and I will swim my way out of them. I'll find the air that I need to breathe. Just please be patient with me and be there for me when I call on you.

To my close circle of support......Thank you for all of your love and your support. I know that I can be a bit hard to handle these days. For that, I'm sorry. Thank you for calling, emailing, chatting or dropping by to check on me. Thank you for giving me your shoulder to cry on and your ear to listen. Thank you for making me smile when all I want to do is cry. Stop worrying so much about me though. This fish will find my way back in the water, I promise.