Monday, March 17, 2014

Daddy's Girl...

WOW! It has been a long time since I last updated this blog. In that time, sooo much has happened and changed in my life!! Some good. Some bad! And, some we won't discuss! LOL! One thing that has not changed is my desire and willingness to be a student of life. Always striving and desiring to learn new things, experience new paths. In doing so, I learn more about me and who I am. My "authentic self" as Oprah describes it. Every experience has opened my eyes to seeing more truths. I think some of them I already knew and either chose not to see or allowed opinions of others blind fold me to the truth. A good example of that would be my father. Allow me to take a moment to introduce you to the greatest man I almost never knew... my father. My parents divorced when I was very young. I think I was around 5. I have very few memories of them being married. My sister has none. One of the memories I have is also one of the first memories I have of life. I was young, maybe 3 or 4. I was sitting in my daddy's lap. I felt safe and loved. I have carried that memory and held it close to me all my life. There are very few people I've ever told about that memory. Not long after that, my world got turned upside down. My parents divorced and my dad started drinking. He became an alcoholic. He was an alcoholic the majority of my life growing up. I used to blame the alcohol for taking my daddy away. I don't know if that was easier to believe or just a cover up of the truth. It's been a long journey. But I can look back and see the truth now. He drank and used alcohol to hide his hurt of not being with his children. My sister and I were his whole world. I was told that he chose alcohol over us. I know now that was a lie. I was even told at the young age of 6 that he wasn't my father anyway. I grew up not knowing that truth. I suffered a lot of hidden pain all my life because of that. I was told and am often still told a lot of things as a means to keep me from my father. If my father would've been a different man, those lies would've succeeded in keeping me from him. So what was the truth? The truth was a man that would do and give his all for his kids. Tolerate an ex wife that put him down to his face, his children and everyone else? Yes he was that man. Become friends with his ex wife's new husband to stay in his kids lives? Yes he was that man too. The truth is a man that while using alcohol to hide his pain, still fought to stay in his kids lives. He walked through hell and suffered a great deal. Why? For the love of 2 girls...his 2 girls. In my early twenties, I went to my dad and asked him to take a DNA test so that I could finally know the truth. That's the only time I ever remember my dad raising his voice to me. He was mad. Worse, he was hurt. He had stopped drinking when I was 17. Even if he hadn't, alcohol couldn't have hid this one. I have never seen my father this hurt. I still haven't. He told me no. That was a first!!! I wasn't used to hearing my father tell me no. I expected him to do as he always had and do whatever I asked of him. Why should this time be any different? I didn't know it at the time. But I was about to learn it in a big way that would forever change my life and allow me to bury a demon that had chased me since I was 6. My father said, and I quote, "Hell no I won't go have a DNA test done. I don't need no damn DNA test to tell me that you're my daughter!!! You are my daughter like it or not. Your mom should've had her ass beat for letting someone tell you that you ain't." That day I learned the source of my dads deepest pain. I thought I suffered that pain alone. I never knew that my dad had suffered for years as well because of what was told to me. He blaimed himself for not protecting me from an adults cruel version of what was funny or not. For the first time in many many years, I saw my daddy, the man I remembered in that memory, the man whom I had been told and convinced did not exist. I made myself and him a promise that from that day forward, no one would ever take me from him again. Although he was remarried and I didn't much like his new wife, I refused to lose him again, even if that meant having a relationship with his wife. Today, I am closer than ever to my father. Closer than most people know. I'm thankful that I can see the whole big picture now. I see a man that never left me. A man that has loved me unconditionally. A man that walked through hell for me. A man that has suffered his own pain because of me. A man that has made me and my sister his greatest loves of his life. A man who would without question lay down his very life and give his last breath for me. He's not a rich man. Yet, he would give me his last dime. My happiness IS his happiness. When I hurt, he hurts. When I laugh, he laughs. When I cry, he cries. He has always been there regardless of the time of day for me no matter what I needed. He's the most giving, most caring, most loving, most forgiving, most patient and the funniest man I know. He's not the most educated man I know. Yet, he has been my most valuable teacher in life. From him, I have learned a lot of things. I learned to never give up. I learned to love without fail. I learned to forgive long before be asked for forgiveness. I learned to admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. I learned how to stand in the adversity and survive it, not fall victim to it. I learned that I mattered. My father may not be a king. But ask him, and you will learn that I am his princess. He's not perfect. But he is my DAD! And, I am his heart! I am the very breath he breathes. The one thing I never had to ask for nor did I ever need was his approval of me. Why? Because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, I already had his approval no matter what I did. You can't search for what's not missing. I'm learning a lot lately about the need a of approval and acceptance of others. I'll post more on that later. I thought I would start at whose approval I needed most but never wanted for. You can't want for something you already have. I had his approval as soon as I took my first breath. Have I been the perfect daughter? No. I haven't. Has he been the perfect parent. No he hasn't. But, he's always been mine. And, I've always been his. In his eyes, I AM perfect just the way I am! He would not change one single hair on my head. I know this blog makes him sound to good to be real. But, trust me. He is very much real. Anyone who has ever known him, besides my mother, can and will tell you that this blog is 100% true. Anyone that has ever met him has loved and respected him. I don't know of anyone that doesn't like him. That's just who he is. Someday, I will stand at his grave and his tombstone will read, " My Father...the greatest man, mentor and teacher I ever knew."